Boundaries With Teens
By Dr. John Townsend
Review by Troy Parrish

I picked up Boundaries With Teens to see if the book offered the type of help desperate parents of teenagers would be looking for. With the period we call adolescence growing longer and longer, the task of parenting teens continues to become more challenging. Add into the mix the types of unique challenges that teens face today and parenting teens can be truly daunting.

I believe that the book has many redeeming qualities. I found three chapters particularly helpful and insightful. The chapter discussing the need for parents to be united in their parenting was very informative and addresses and issue that most parents have but do not realize that they have it. The title of the chapter is a little deceptive in that you would think it was about moms and dads working together. In reality it addresses the need of parents of teens to be united with other parents for support, encouragement and guidance. Teen typically have a support system for their ideas and behavior, we as parents need this as well. Knowing that you are not alone and receiving encouragement can make the difference between making a go of it or folding under the pressure. The chapter on single parenting was equally helpful in that it provides insight into the world of single parents and suggestions on how to manage what is truly an overwhelming job at times. The final chapter I found to be very good was the chapter for step parents. Too often parents and stepparents rush the integration of the family with the result of the teen chaffing at the imposition of a parent who is not really their parent. Research shows that it takes on average 7 years for a step family to achieve good integration. This chapter explains this phenomena and encourages an approach that will increase the liklihood of sucessful integration.

The book was an easy read with each chapter being very brief. While this kept the book moving along well it sacrifices in the way of really substative discussions about what can be very demanding and difficult issues. The premise of the book can be largely summed up in a few statements.

1. Setting good boundaries with teens starts with a good relationship with your teen. Consequently, the theme of relationship building is through out the book.

2. Good boundaries require you to talk to your teen, talk and keep talking. I other words, keep the lines of communication open.

3. Pick your battles with a clear line of unnegotiables. Communicate these expectations ahead of time as much as you can to give your teen the choice of cooperation.

4. Use consequeces and encouragement to motivate positive behavior and cooperation.

5. When stuck, get help from others. Other parents or professionals if necessary.

Dr. Townsend provides chapters on a number of problem behavior that you can consult if you are having a specific problem. Each chapter dedicated to a problem follows the outline listed above to one degree or another. The result is a book that provides broad outlines and principles but fewer hard hitting answers to tougher problems.

Because of the brevity of the chapters, this book will be very useful to you if you are experiencing typical teenage malidies but if you are really struggling with the behavior of your teen and are at wits end, this book would be a good starting spot but you may find that you are wanting more in terms of suggestions and answers.