Do Boys Need Dads?
By Troy L Parrish, MA LCPC

          With the increased debate around homosexual marriage has come a side shoot argument concerning the necessity of fathers in the lives of children, particularly the need of boys for a father.  The argument around this issue is easily understandable because of the emphasis of the value of the traditional family by conservatives and those opposed to homosexual marriage.  It would stand to reason that there would be an increased interest in the outcomes of children, in this case boys, who are raised in homes without fathers.  Do boys really need a dad?
          Boys are different from girls.  Do a little research and you will quickly discover that regardless of your political/social orientation there is consensus that boys and girls are different.  You can try to socialize a boy to be like a girl but the fact is that in some ways (as politically incorrect as this is) “boys will be boys,” and truthfully girls will be girls.  Boys are definitely more physically active, as one writer put it, it is as if they are driven by a motor.  Boys will have a tendency to have greater curiosity about how things work and will take things apart to find out (often without the ability to get them back together, like the time my brother started taking apart a car and couldn’t get it back together! Whoops).  They have a stronger visual-spacial ability and show a desire not just to take things apart but to build things.  More than a few feminist writers that I read concede that it is men who have built the amazing structures we see in the world.  Boys have a much stronger desire for competition than girls.  Watch boys, and you will see, they have a tendency to make a lot of things a competition.  It is also interesting to note that when a boy or man wins at a competition that his testosterone level will rise, and when he loses a competition, his testosterone level will fall (even when the competition is not a physical one).  It appears that to some degree that the desire to compete is a part of our physiology.   Boys, even ones raised in female headed pacifist homes, will have a tendency to turn objects into make believe weapons, such as guns and swords. I have read on several different occasions were boys have bitten their pieces of toast into the shape of a gun and start shooting away.  Of course, there is variety in terms of the intensity of these qualities in boys as well as girls, but it is evident that boys are different from girls.
          Children need to be parented.  There is no question that the work of raising a child is just that, work.  There is not a single person who would believe that the best course of action in raising a child is to leave him to his own devices.  It is basic knowledge that children need to be guided and shaped in their attitudes, values and behaviors.  As a friend of mine likes to say, you don’t have to teach children how to misbehave, they do that naturally.  There is ample evidence that when there is a lack of parenting, there is significant behavioral and emotional difficulties that children suffer.  The involvement of parents in the lives of their children is credited in studies as being a key ingredient in children and teens not being involved in illicit drug use.  The presence of parenting and clear limits and a strong moral base is also seen as being significant in preventing teenage pregnancy.  And it is relatively well known that the time in which children get into trouble the most is the time between school letting out and the time a parent arrives home.  In other words, the presence of parenting, not simply the presence of an adult, is necessary for there to be good outcomes in children.
          Decades of research shows that the absence of positive male role models in inner city settings correlates with increased crime, dropout rates and violence among males.  It has only been in the last decade, with the increase in pressure for the recognition of homosexual marriage, that the idea that boys can be successfully raised without men has gained any acceptance.  The previous notion was that these absent and deadbeat dads needed to get their act together and become responsible parents.  Generations of families that have dealt with poor male role models leave males and families stuck in a cycle of poverty and underachievement, often with fatal consequences to the young males in these settings.  The presence of gangs has often been attributed to the need that children, mostly boys, are looking for a sense of belonging and family and that gangs provide for these emotional needs.  They also provide protection from a violent world and are at times glorified in movies, TV and music.  The violent role models then produce a new generation of violently minded males (let alone their attitude towards women) and the cycle continues.  The other role models for boys in these settings are often sports figures and celebrities.  The onslaught of the negatives that sports figures and celebrities present should cause concern in any parent.  Yet the success of these individuals make them tempting role models for young boys (and girls).  The absence of positive male role models for these boys cost them considerably, and end up costing society as well.  A quick survey of news stories show that efforts are being made in inner city settings to provide boys with places to go, activities to be involved in and role models to emulate.  The encouraging thing is that if you can get these boys involved there is real change.  But the boys need those role models.
          But it is not only those in inner cities that look to role models.  When there is a discussion of raising boys without fathers, the discussion frequently includes the insight that those boys who are raised without fathers can be the beneficiaries of other positive male role models in their lives.  This can be a grandfather, a coach, a big brother or a male neighbor.  It was interesting to note, that mothers that elected to raise children without the presence of a father will either make particular effort to assure that the boys have access to positive male role models or wish that their boys had such access.  Mothers seem to know that boys need a positive male influence in their lives to provide that which mom cannot.  It is also evident that boys of all stripes, inner city, rural, suburbs, rich or poor, will look to other males to help shape their concept of masculinity or what it is to be a man, in terms of conduct and attitudes, values and morals.  It use to be that we would ask someone “who is your hero?”  We all see others that we admire and we emulate them, sometimes knowingly, at other times unconsciously.  Boys are no different, they too will have a hero or heroes.  Sometimes they are fantasy figures such as superheroes, other times they are real people.  But the truth is that boys will pattern themselves to a degree after some male in his life, he will not pattern himself only after his mother.  Several surveys have shown that teens continue to look towards mom and dad as their role models more than anyone else, and this seems to be true around the world.
          So, what have we said thus far?  Well, boys are different from girls.  Consequently, they will need to be handled differently at times from girls.  Raising boys is something you have to do on purpose.  All children need to be parented and shaped.  Even the most strident proponents of child centered homes recognize and advocate parenting children and shaping them (we just don’t always agree on the nature of the shaping).  Boys with negative role models can find themselves in significant trouble. Decades of male youth without positive male role models turn into negative role models themselves and perpetuate a cycle.  All boys will look for other males as patterns for their identity as males, to help shape their concept of masculinity.  Does this answer the question, Do boys need dads?
          I believe that it does.  I believe that it demonstrates that indeed, boys do need dads.  If boys don’t have dads, they seem to create a form of surrogate in order to pattern themselves in some ways.  Sometimes this is in the form of a real individual who is involved in their lives in a loving and giving way.  Sometimes this is in the form of a hero they seek to emulate.  Sometimes it is in the form of an idealized dad who has passed away or who has never been involved in the child’s life.  The reality is that the presence of a male in the life of a boy is important and necessary for his own shaping of who he is and who he will become.   The proponents of raising boys without fathers would have us believe that it is no big issue to raise a boy without a dad.  But the reality appears that those that choose to do so take on the burden of making sure that the males this child patterns himself after are suitable individuals and then do the work of securing this person’s involvement in their son’s lives.  Too often, however, moms don’t have the resources available to make this happen and boys are left to seek role models from the media, popular culture or their peers.  I am confident that I am not the only one that sees this as a dangerous proposition.  Are there those moms that will need to do these tasks out of necessity?  Of course, and many will do a great job, others will struggle mightily.  The better solution is to continue to call to men to be the dads they themselves wish that they had when they were boys.  The family has stood as an institution for millennia and has successfully raised boys into men.  The desire to pursue our own desires has cast us into a position of questioning the composition of an institution that has been the foundation of great civilizations, we wish to redefine family, not in the interest of children, but in the interest of our own pleasures and passions.  Boys will continue to need men, the best is to be loved and valued by an effective and involved father in the context of an intact family.  Yes, boys need dads.