Do Boys Need To Be Civilized?
By Troy L Parrish
Civilize: civ·i·lize (sĭv'ə-līz')
tr.v. civ·i·lized, civ·i·liz·ing, civ·i·liz·es
Do boys need to be civilized? And if so, what does it mean to civilize a boy? After the process is defined, then how do you civilize a boy? Boys are certainly active, prone to competition and will find humor in things that may embarrass girls. But are there character qualities that are endemic to boys that need to be trained out of them in order to make them more functional, more suitable for relationships and the world at large? There are of course those who wish that boys would be more like girls; less aggressive, more nurturing. Those who would purposely train boys to pursue play that we would typically associate with girls. But a quick scan of the literature and the web shows that most do not wish to make boys like girls; that those that think this way are in the minority. Boys do, however, need to be civilized in accordance to the second definition listed above. They, like all human beings, need to be educated in matters of culture and refinement; to be made more polished and sophisticated.
Starting with the chivalry of the medieval period in history and moving forward, there has been an ongoing discussion of the process of civilizing boys. Erasmus' book on the civilization process was written primarily for the use in educating boys. His work became the foundation of many other works on the civilization process of young people, specifically boys.2 In these works, whether they be long treatises or short lists, the focus is on the conduct of the individual when in the company of others. The list we have posted from George Washington's Rules of Civility is a good example of a simple list that reflects the emphasis on conduct. One might draw the conclusion from these works that to civilize a boy is to teach him how to conduct himself in public, specifically mixed company. But further examination will reveal something more meaningful going on in these codes of conduct.
In these codes of conduct is revealed an emphasis on the attitude and conduct one has towards others. Robert Lewis in his book Raising A Modern Day Knight has latched onto the notion of chivalry and its code of conduct as being a valuable way to both capture a boy's attention as well as begin to impart to him a code of behavior that truly takes into consideration the welfare and well being of those around him.3 The code of a knight was one of discipline as well as self sacrifice, courage, honesty and service. Other codes that have come after including the code of conduct that is associated with being a true gentleman, reflecting some of the very same values as the chivalric code. What is being revealed is to civilize boys and young men with codes of conduct really is to teach them a way of relating to those around them. That brings honor to those they are interacting with as well as to themselves. It is the process of creating men of character.
Hence, the process of civilizing a boy is really the process of developing his character. Show a boy that to be a man is to be like a knight, or a gentleman. The development of qualities such as honesty, integrity, service, self sacrifice, honor and hard work will have a tremendous effect in bringing civility to your young man, and in a way that has genuine effect. We have all seen portrayed the man who knows when to put on the show of being a civilized and honorable individual who really is a rascal. External codes without the development of character is just as bad as no code of conduct, maybe even worse as he fools those around him as well as himself. The development of character in him will make him civilized in such a way that he will by character observe the rules of the code of conduct. He will say yes Mrs. Jones or no sir as well as please and thank you. More importantly, he will see needs and offer help, be aware of the wounds and hurts of others and defend and watch out for those less fortunate or less powerful than himself. He will be a man of genuine character. In this way he truly becomes civilized.
Do boys need to be civilized? Yes, because it really means to develop their character. Teaching them to play with dolls, or to not use sticks for guns will not civilize your boy, it will possibly make him more like a girl, maybe even less aggressive, but it will not civilize him. If you want to civilize your boy then train his character. By doing so you train him to be a man without taking away any of the masculine qualities that make him uniquely male.