Teen Boys
By Troy L Parrish, MA LCPC
The adolescent period is a very busy time for both the teen and parents. It was Mark Twain who said "what you do with a teenager is to put him in a barrel and feed him through the bung hole. And when he turns sixteen you plug up the bung hole." Obviously raising teens can be a challenge. In our society, with the adolescent years lasting for up to a decade or more the move from being a child to being a full fledged independent adult can be a bumpy journey. There is a tremendous amount of growth that occurs during the teen years. The obvious physical growth in terms of size and strength as well as sexual development is apparent. What is not as visible in terms of growth is the cognitive development that occurs during this time as well. The human brain undergoes significant growth during this time, from weighing about two pounds during childhood to weighing about three pounds in adulthood. With that growth come new cognitive abilities that shape the way teen begin to look at their world as well as shaping some of the typical interactions between parents and their maturing children. This article will focus primarily on these changes and the impact that this has particularly on boys.
There are two significant changes that influence the behavior of teen boys on a cognitive or thinking level. The first is not unique to boys but is experience by both boys and girls. As stated previously, the change in the size of the brain enables children to begin to think about things differently than they have been able to before. Young children have a tendency to think about things in a rather concrete, black and white manner. Either it is right or wrong, that there is only one perspective on things and that things are rather simple and straight forward. We as adults recognize that much of life is not that simple but rather is much more intricate and complex. As children begin to see that there can be differing points of view and that there can be exceptions to rules and subtleties previously unknown to them, they begin to question previously unshakable truths. They go from thinking about what is to thinking not only about what is but also what could be.
Hence the new found ability to argue points of view with parents and the tendency to be "lawyer like" when trying to convince a parent to change their mind on a decision. They are really learning to use their new found ability to think about things in a more abstract fashion, from a simple black and white way into the world of possibilities. While this can be frustrating for parents, it is a valuable process that will, when guided properly, allow your son to make discerning decisions. As they child begins to undergo these changes, they begin to contemplate what they want their life to be about and begin to separate their identity from their parents. Young teen continue to need direction and help in discerning life and their new discoveries. As they contemplate what is possible, having an open dialouge with your son or sons allow you to continue to be a guiding influence in the choices that they make. These choices involve more than decisions about what they are going to do with their time and energy but also involve decisions about what is right and wrong, what is moral and what comprises truth. Teens on some level they are not ready to face the world alone. Unfortunately, many hence become more dependent on friends for support as they individuate from parents. This is why in early adolescences friends, the social pecking order, fashion and trends become so important to young teens. Teens will depend on someone as they go through the process of becoming an adult, either it will be you, friends or other adults. It will depend on the nature of the relationship that will determine who teens lean on the most.
This can be a very distressing period of time for some boys and will even shape a large part of the self identity for some boys. As they jockey for position in the social strata those that fall to the bottom rungs of the ladder will endure feelings of rejection, isolation and may endure harsh teasing and some physical abuse at the hands of their peers. While research show that girls can be socially harsh and rejecting, boys are by nature more competative in how they approach life. This competative nature extends into how boys approach their social life as well. More than few adult male carry emotional scars from the tramau of rejection and teasing. The ever present fear of shootings suggest that we as a society are aware of the significant impact that feeling rejected can have on boys and the extent to which they will carry out this pain and anger. The importance of your son feeling like he has some place to be accepted and belong goes a long way towards insulating boys from this type of violence.
The hormonal changes that are occurring as well are well known to all parents. However, recent research shows that boys with high levels of testosterone in comparison to boys with low levels of testosterone do not show statistically differences in their violence or behavior. Furthermore; experiences in life, such as winning a contest raises testosterone levels. It appears that testosterone is linked more to drive to accomplish more so than it is tied to moodiness or aggression or violence. An excellent article on line concerning this issue can be read at the Scientific American.com website. In addition in his fine book The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen Dr. Robert Epstein writes that teens can be raised in such a manner as to see them be responsible and predictable, without the complications of moodiness and rebellion. He goes on to suggest that it the teen culture and the socialization that they receive through this teen culture that causes the rebellion, attitudes and poor decision making seen in todays youth. His arguments are convincing, you can see his work also in the April 2007 edition of Scientific American Mind. With the notion that experience influences hormones, that testosterone acts as a drive hormone and that youth culture is shaping teen behavior, the argument that our relationship with our boys as well as the connections they share with their friends and the culture at large becomes imparitive elements in our attempts to raise our teen boys. Consequently the notion that the moodiness that we can see in teens is explained away by changing horemones needs to be reviewed. What is known is they can be unpredictable in their moods and their energy level. What is also known about testosterone is that boys in particular will begin to feel the surges of this hormone which will prompt an increase in sexual appetite and feelings of strength; and not just physical strength but personal strength. Boys will want to continue to test themselves against challenges of strength, daring and skill. But their desire to test their strength against challenges includes the challenge of authority as they work out their own sense of mastery over their own world and lives; this is part of that drive testosterone produces. Boys in particular will challenge mothers in their attempt to subordinate mom to themselves. If they get enough courage they will challenge dad's authority directly as well. Girls will challenge authority as well, but not usually in the direct, in your face fashion that boys can be prone to do. Hence, boys can be very obstinate for mothers in particular. As a side note there is a tendency for boys to be rather absent minded and illogical, complicating the whole struggle for authority. Add in a world that panders to the youth of America with their discretionary spending money and the task of dealing with a teenage boy can become rather large at times. What can you do to navigate this period in your son's life?
1. Recognize the change that is occurring and adjust your parenting accordingly. Children at this age need to have more explanations for the decisions that are made than they use to. This does not mean you have to justify everything you decide, but some insight into why you are doing things can help.
2. Continue to keep your son involved in constructive activity. The more the activity challenges him the better. Allowing him to spend some of that physical activity is also recommended.
3. Get your son involved in the decision making when appropriate. This will give him some feeling of control and power and possibly reduce the energy he spends combating you for a sense of power.
4. Provide opportunity to display maturity in the responsibilities that you give him. These responsibilities should carry some level of prestige with them in order to be effective. The opportunity to work with tools, to have some car care responsibilities work much better than the responsibility of taking out the trash. (He should still take out the trash!)
5. Provide opportunity for your son to talk to you. In order to do this you will have to take the time to be engaged in some activity with him or take him for a drive to make this happen.
6. Work at establishing that delicate balance of his growing autonomy and your need to still be a parent, but don't make this the centerpiece of all your conversations.
7. If you have found that your relationship with your son is very strained or distant, you need to repair it in order to have the influence you are seeking. This will almost certainly involve getting him away from his friends or computer or game system to spend some lenght of time with you. Take time off of work if necessary, after all this is your son. Take him away for a weekend to get the relationship jump started and then continue to spend a lot of time with him. Don't let this be an option, after a period of time, his attitude will begin to change.
8. Enjoy your son's growth and maturation!