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Do You Know Why You Get Angry?
(Editor’s Note: A hardy thanks to Mr. Pacifico for this article. You will notice that this article is written about you and your anger as a parent, spouse or coworker. Understanding how your anger works and how to manage your own anger puts you in the position to then teach your child how to respond to and manage their own anger. At the end of the article, you will find practical tips on responding to a child’s anger as well as ways to tell just how angry your child is, I believe you will find the article to be a great help.)
Most people's first response would be that another person just "pushed our buttons." They caused us to get angry, we say. Our anger is a reaction to someone else doing something to us. If they didn't push our buttons, we wouldn't have gotten angry! Everyone has some buttons that can trigger our anger. Some people simply do not get angry as much as other people do. How do they do that? Don't they care? Are they emotionally dead? No. These people have learned how to defuse their buttons, so that when their buttons are pushed (and they certainly will be), nothing happens internally in them to feel the anger. To understand how they do that, we need to understand what causes anger (in any situation).
ONLY TWO CONDITIONS FOR ANGER
Every human being has a basic need to feel safe (both physically and emotionally). We naturally move away from things that we perceive are threatening and towards things that we perceive are safe. This enables us to feel safe and relaxed. If we perceive that someone or something is threatening our safety (physically or emotionally), we have a natural defensive reaction to protect ourselves from that perceived harm. The first condition for our anger is to have the perception of a threat against us. The internal thought of being threatened triggers our emotional response of becoming defensive. This includes heightened senses for increased awareness, adrenaline pumping into our system, tightened muscles, and increased heart rate. These physical reactions are our body's preparation to either fight (to stop the threat) or to flee from the threatening situation for the sole purpose of feeling safe again. Up to this point, our anger is internal. We make a decision (most of the time unconsciously) which path to choose- fight or flight.
The second condition for anger is when we decide to try to keep the other person or thing from threatening us by controlling them. (When we try to control the other person, we start showing our anger-it becomes external and visible to others). This external anger is what most people think of when they talk about anger. We have a wide variety of ways to try to keep others from threatening us by trying to control them- yelling at them, threatening them, verbally abusing them (attacking their character/value), standing up and looking more powerful, withholding something they value from them, isolating ourselves from them, throwing objects at them, or actually hitting them. Being angry towards others is really the second step in the anger response. Before we show our anger towards another person, it is important for us to understand if the other person is actually threatening us.
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HOW REAL IS THE THREAT?
Remember the initial feeling of defensiveness that comes from our thought of a perceived threat? Is the threat real or imagined? How perceptive are we at detecting threats against us? Some people are afraid all of the time of almost everything, real or imagined. They are labeled "paranoid". Other people are rarely afraid of anything. They are labeled "naïve". Most people are in between being paranoid and naïve. Our feeling of safety is greatly influenced by how well we accurately interpret and predict situations as being safe or unsafe. Based on our experiences and by being taught by others, we learn to predict which situations are safe and which are not.
These predictions are the basis for our expectations. Our expectations are our practical, predictive means of staying away from future dangerous situations and staying in future safe situations. The more realistic our expectations are, the better we are able to predict what we need to do to stay safe. Being realistic means that what we think will happen in a given situation actually happens. Just because we do not predict something happening to us does not, however, cause us to feel angry. Before we feel anger, we need to feel threatened in a particular situation.
For example, if you have always experienced friendly dogs, you are likely to feel safe around all dogs. A dog may come up to you unexpectedly and jump up on you. This will surprise you, but if the dog acts friendly towards you, you do not become afraid of it. Or maybe since your past experience with dogs has been nothing but friendly, you may try to pet strange dogs (believing that they are safe) until one tries to bite your hand. This dog does not now "fit" into your existing expectation of "All dogs are friendly." To have accurate future expectations of dogs, you need to change your current expectations about dogs to "Some dogs might bite me." To remain safe around dogs, you will need to be more careful next time you are around a strange dog. If that dog tries to bite you, you will be mentally prepared for it and not surprised (or angry) by its behavior. If the owner tells you that the dog doesn't bite (which again changes your expectation of the dog), then you probably will get angry towards the owner (and the dog) for putting you in an unsafe situation.
The same concept is true with other people. Your partner was probably wonderful and nice to you when you were first together. You felt safe. As time passed, maybe your partner said something that hurt your feelings. You might have moved away or fled (emotionally or physically) from that person, because you now feel that your partner is unsafe to be close to. Or you might have decided that you were going to stop your partner from "making you feel unsafe" by trying to stop their behavior that felt threatening to you. Consequently, you now change your expectations of your partner as being “safe” to being “unsafe”. If your partner could prove that they would be safe again, you might feel safer in their presence and spend more time again with them. Many people want to believe that our partners will always be safe or will not hurt us (physically or emotionally), so we might tend to believe their promises to be safe.
Spouses of alcoholics want to believe that the alcoholic will not be abusive, so they hold on to the false expectation (denial of reality) that their alcoholic partner will not hurt them in the future. The non-alcoholic partner may then stay "stuck" in the unrealistic expectation of being able to "fix" or stay safe with their alcoholic partner. They then become as much prisoners of the alcohol as the alcoholic does.
The point is, then, how well do we change our thinking based on what is real around us? One definition for insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. How many times does it take to pester your spouse before you accept the fact that they are not going to change their behaviors just because you asked, threatened, intimidated or yelled at them over and over again? In fact, people tend to "dig their heels in" and refuse to do what you ask them to do if you pester them too much. Unconsciously, they understand that if they comply with your wishes and "give in" through your intimidation, they are setting themselves up to be in an unsafe position for future intimidating encounters with you. By giving you what you want because of your intimidation, you now realize that by pestering them you can get what you want from them, which continues reinforcing your intimidating behaviors.
THEN, WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS FEELING OF ANGER?
without being angry with them.
- Is it worth fighting (arguing, yelling, pleading, etc.) to make them stop?
- What are the chances that fighting them will make them change?
- What will it cost me to fight to make them change and be safe for me?
- How much is this feeling of danger because of my insecurity or because
the other person unintentionally hurt me (emotionally or physically)?
- What will I gain by compromising so that the threat is no longer an
issue?
- Is it worth trying to stop the other person? What are my chances of
stopping them?
Be grateful for God's provision of safety. Learn from you misjudgment and feel His peace.
ACTION STEPS TO REDUCE YOUR ANGER
Protect yourself from real danger
Emotionally calm down by taking a Time-out
Analyze why you became angry
Control your response
Explore who God wants you to be in the future
IT'S UP TO YOU
Remember, being angry and showing anger are choices. You can either accept the situations around you or you can continually try to change it to fit your vision of what should be. It is far easier to change your expectations than to change all of the people and circumstances to fit into you own view of reality. That is the selfish side of anger-trying to make other people accept your standards of behavior. That does not mean you have to like reality or to agree with it-just accept it. Develop more healthy ways to get what you want without the stress, anger, tension and frustration. You will find more peace, energy and relaxation accepting things that are not going to change because of your desire to have them fit into your view of reality.
Responding to an Angry Child
Stages of Anger Child’s Symptoms Interventions by Parents
I. No Anger: Calm, relaxed, happy Accept calmness/happiness
Positively reinforce child’s positive attitude
Make sure your anger is in control. If your
anger is out of control, then your child
believes it is OK to act the same way.
II. Stage 1: Cognitive Reaction to Threat
- Confused Look for facial and non-verbal signs of
confusion -ask child about what they are
thinking. Encourage them to ask questions.
- Surprised The child is surprised by the situation.
Ask child what they expected.
Compare what child expected vs. what was
promised. Come to agreement of realistic
expectation of the situation in the future.
Ask child if he/she feels threatened by
situation to acknowledge what you sense.
If “yes,” allow child to explain the
threatening feeling.
Adult- apologize for the “threat” & reassure
child of no intention or you will try to avoid
the “threat” in the future
If this intervention does not work to calm
the child down and relax, then the child will
move to stage 2 to deal with the perceived
threat.
III. Stage 2- Emotional Reaction to Threat – Non-Verbal Anger
0 – 60 (how quickly and intense the anger is shown)
5 Annoyed Be aware of non-verbal clues of your child.
10 Chilly Do not ignore their nonverbal signals. Ask
15 Impatient them and encourage them to express their
20 Irritable feelings verbally. Encourage a “time-out”
25 An “attitude” until they can tell you calmly what is wrong.
30 Avoidant You might want to take your own “time-out’
before you talk to the child to keep you calm
IV. Stage 3- Emotional Reaction to Threat- Verbal Anger
35 Resentful Listen to the feelings of the child. Let their
40 Frustrated words be a relief of their emotional pressure
45 Blaming instead of the child acting out their anger.
50 Mean/Cruel/ Acknowledge the child’s feelings
Verbally Abusive Empathize with their feelings, letting them
know you understand their anger
Respond- letting the child know your
boundaries for appropriate expression of
their anger. Encourage the child to calmly
Tell It, Don’t Yell It. Do not escalate the
anger by yelling or being verbally abusive to
the child to try to get him/her to stop.
V. Stage 4- Emotional Reaction to Threat- Physical Anger
55 Hostile Protect yourself first. If the child will not
stop the physical behavior (throwing,
pushing, shoving, spitting, threatening harm)
leave their presence.
VI. Stage 5- Emotional Reaction to Threat- Out of Control Anger
60 Rage There is no reasoning at this stage to stop
the child from continuing their behavior. If
you are worried about you physical safety,
call the police, who are trained in handling
the situation.
Rev. 12/6/07
Copyright pending. 2007 Joe C. Pacifico. Columbia, MD. Photocopying of ten (10) or less of this document per use is permitted. The use of this material in any publication or presentation that does not cite the author specifically is strictly prohibited without the express written consent of the author.
Additional Resources:
An anger problem checklist for Adolescents. Designed to help you or your son see to what degree his anger is a probem. (GO!)
Warning Signs of Teen Violence. Things to look for if you are concerned about a boy you know may become violent. (GO!)